Should You Separate During The Holidays?

Separation or Divorce During the Holidays: Should You Wait Until They’re Over?

The holiday season is often described as a time of joy, family traditions, and togetherness. Yet for couples struggling in their marriage, it can also be one of the most stressful and emotionally draining times of the year. When a relationship has reached a breaking point, many people wonder: Should I separate or file for divorce during the holidays, or wait until the season is over?

It’s not an easy question. The holidays magnify emotions, and decisions made during this time can have long-lasting effects—not just for you and your spouse, but also for children, extended family, and even finances. Below, we’ll explore the advantages and disadvantages of separating during the holidays, why some choose to wait, and how to make the decision that’s best for your circumstances.

---

The Emotional Weight of the Holidays

Holidays often come with high expectations—family gatherings, gift-giving, and celebrations. For a couple already struggling, the pressure to “keep it together” can feel overwhelming. At the same time, the season can highlight just how unhappy or disconnected you feel in your marriage.

For some, this realization brings clarity: they no longer want to spend another holiday pretending everything is fine. For others, the thought of disrupting family traditions during a time that’s supposed to be joyous feels unbearable. Recognizing the emotional complexities of the season is the first step in deciding what path to take.

---

Reasons to Consider Separation or Divorce During the Holidays

While it may feel harsh to initiate separation during such a sentimental season, there are valid reasons why some people choose not to wait.

1. Authenticity Matters

If the marriage has deteriorated to the point where every interaction is tense or combative, pretending for the sake of the holidays may do more harm than good. Children, in particular, often sense when something is wrong, and putting on a façade can create confusion or mistrust.

2. A Fresh Start in the New Year

For some, separating during the holidays symbolizes an end to a difficult chapter and the beginning of a new one. By the time the new year begins, you’re already taking steps toward healing and moving forward.

3. Avoiding Escalation

Waiting until after the holidays can sometimes worsen the situation. If the relationship is volatile or emotionally toxic, the stress of holiday obligations may lead to bigger conflicts. In such cases, separating sooner rather than later may protect everyone’s well-being.

4. Practical Timing

Depending on financial or legal circumstances, moving forward with separation before year-end may make sense for tax purposes, living arrangements, or custody planning.

---

Reasons Some Choose to Wait Until After the Holidays

On the other hand, many people choose to wait until the holidays are over before initiating divorce or separation. Their reasons are just as valid.

1. Preserving Holiday Memories for Children

Parents often want to protect their children from painful memories associated with the holidays. Waiting until January can give children one last season of stability before changes are introduced.

2. Reducing Stress and Conflict

The holidays are stressful enough with shopping, events, and family commitments. Adding separation into the mix may feel like too much to handle at once. Waiting allows you to focus on one challenge at a time.

3. Respect for Extended Family

Family gatherings often include grandparents, siblings, and relatives who may not yet know about marital struggles. Waiting until after the holidays spares everyone from uncomfortable conversations and allows for private planning.

4. Time to Prepare Strategically

Delaying until the holidays are over gives you time to consult with a lawyer, gather financial records, and prepare emotionally for the process ahead. Going into divorce with preparation can make a significant difference in outcomes.

---

Striking a Balance: What’s Best for You?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to whether you should separate during or after the holidays. The right choice depends on your personal situation, including:

· The stability of your relationship: Is it manageable to get through the holidays, or are you constantly in conflict?

· Your children’s needs: Will they be more harmed by a holiday separation, or by exposure to ongoing tension and arguments?

· Your emotional health: Can you endure one more holiday season for the sake of timing, or is the strain too heavy?

· Practical considerations: Do financial or legal factors make delaying harmful or risky?

Taking time to reflect on these questions, possibly with the guidance of a therapist or legal professional, can help clarify the right decision.

---

Tips for Navigating Divorce or Separation Around the Holidays

Whether you decide to separate during or after the holidays, these strategies can help minimize stress and conflict.

1. Put Children First

Children should never feel caught in the middle. Avoid arguments in front of them, don’t use them as messengers, and reassure them that they are loved by both parents no matter what.

2. Set Clear Expectations

If you choose to separate during the holidays, communicate openly with your spouse about how holiday gatherings, gift exchanges, or traditions will be handled. Structure and clarity reduce confusion for children and extended family.

3. Keep Traditions Simple

This may not be the year for extravagant celebrations. Focus on simple, meaningful traditions that emphasize quality time rather than material gifts or elaborate plans.

4. Lean on Support Systems

Friends, family, or professional counseling can provide the emotional support you need during this time. Don’t try to go through it alone.

5. Stay Respectful

Even if emotions run high, strive for civility. The way you handle separation during the holidays will set the tone for co-parenting, family dynamics, and even the healing process.

---

Looking Ahead

Whether you decide to wait until after the holidays or move forward during them, remember that divorce is not the end of your story—it’s the beginning of a new chapter. The decisions you make now can shape not only your future but also how your children and family experience the transition.

There is no “perfect” time for separation or divorce. There is only the right time for you, based on your emotional readiness, your children’s well-being, and your circumstances. By approaching the decision thoughtfully and with compassion, you can move forward with dignity and resilience.

---

Conclusion

The holidays add an extra layer of complexity to an already difficult decision. For some, waiting until the season is over provides a more stable environment for children and extended family. For others, taking action during the holidays is the healthiest way to move forward.

Ultimately, the best decision is the one that prioritizes your well-being and the well-being of your children. Whether you choose to wait or act now, surrounding yourself with professional guidance, support systems, and self-compassion will help you navigate this challenging transition.

< Older Post

Newer Post >

You Can't Make Me!

By Anne Harvey • November 24, 2023

“You Can’t Make Me!” The public perception of what family law requires from parents lags by several decades. In the 1970s, it stated that a child aged 12 or older could “decide” which parent to live with. I’ve spent years explaining that the law has changed since; children are no longer in charge of this monumental decision. The related issue of whether a child can be forced to attend parenting time is evolving, although the Ohio legislature hasn’t yet enacted any statutory mandates. Instead, the issue of when a custodial parent can be held in contempt for not forcing a child to attend court-ordered parenting time is being addressed in individual cases with no more guidance than to follow what’s in the best interest of the child. Traditionally, risk to health or safety is a defense to not sending a child of any age to parenting time. The risk must be substantial; a dirty house, lack of hygiene, swearing or bad movie choices are not reasons to deny parenting time. Drug use, chronic sewage issues and the nearness of sex offenders to the child are risks that can justify a parent not sending a child for parenting time. There’s another class of cases where the law is evolving: What if a child simply does not want to see the other parent? What if there are issues between the child and parent that pose “only” a psychological risk to the child? When can the custodial parent take matters into his or her own hands and simply not make the child go? A recent case from an Ohio Appeals Court is instructive. In it, the children (aged 11 and 13) didn’t want to visit their father for many reasons. Said father had a physical altercation with his brother and the police were called. One time he wouldn’t let the children leave the car while he was dropping them back to their mother because he was unsure if the mother was home; the children finally climbed out of the car’s windows. Overall, the relationship between him and the children had deteriorated to the point where the children refused to spend overnights with him — and then refused to go at all. The father had filed a contempt action against the mother, alleging that she had violated his court-ordered parenting time by not sending the children to spend time with him. The mother admitted that the children had not gone on parenting time; but her defense was that the children were afraid of their father, and she would not force them to go. Roughly two years of expensive litigation followed. The magistrate judge found the mother’s defense unacceptable and held her in contempt. After mother had filed objections, the court reversed the magistrate. And when the father appealed, the Appeals Court also sided with the mother. The reasoning of the Appeals Court covered three main areas. 1) The age of the children. The Appeals Court agreed with the trial judge that the mother couldn’t physically force the children to go to their father’s house; both children were simply too big to be man-handled. They had reached ages where they could have input on the visitation schedule and whether to go. The Appeals Court referenced the “suitable age” of the children several times. The children were 13 and 15 by the time the Court of Appeals reviewed the case, and it backed up the discretion of the trial court when the children were only 11 and 13. There’s no “magic age” where children have input. But the larger their size and age, the larger their input. 2) The independent decision of the child. The father had blamed the mother entirely for the children’s refusal to see him. Both courts found that she had encouraged the children to attend and the children had made up their own minds that they didn’t want to see their father because of his own behavior while they were with him. It’s implied that a child must be of sufficient age in order to make an independent and reasonable decision about parenting time. 3) The actions of the mother. The father had made much of the mother’s failure to punish the children for refusing to attend parenting time. The magistrate agreed with him, but two higher courts did not. There was no express obligation on her to impose consequences for the children’s refusal. She had testified that she listened to the reasons they didn’t want to go; if those reasons seemed reasonable, she didn’t impose punishments. The mother never failed to provide transportation or offer enticements such as vacations to lure the children away from wanting to spend time with their father. Takeaways Parenting time orders for older children are tricky; I believe this is a reason that standard orders of parenting time simply don’t work on older children. Whether a parent should demand that a child go to parenting time depends on every fact and circumstance and the history of the case. Custodial parents should be very leery of disobeying court orders; court orders are not suggestions and violations carry stiff penalties. Non-custodial parents should take serious stock of themselves if their children don’t want to see them. The typical scenario is for the parent to become offended, blame the custodial parent, and then file litigation. Children are people, and people want what they want. The line is fine with growing children testing the limits of defiance. Both parents should look carefully at the reasons for that defiance and evaluate what’s a legitimate gripe, what’s simply drama and what’s an attempt at gaining control. Sadly, that’s virtually impossible to accomplish between bitterly divorced parents.

Jenn and Maddie

By Anne Harvey • November 24, 2023

A Haunting Parenting Tale The details of the Maddie Soto murder case in Kissimmee, Florida, will not be repeated here. Rather, I’m going to offer a panoramic view of the actions by her mother, Jenn Soto, and describe the lessons to be learned from the slaughter of this blameless child. Jenn is middle-aged, overweight, and suffers from bipolar disorder and various other ailments that earn her disability money. After she and a Marine conceived Maddie, her life seemed to stabilize — if only for a short while. He quickly was out of her life. She next married a nice man with a daughter who was near Maddie’s age; the blended family of four functioned well for about a year. But slowly, her bipolar disorder blighted Jenn’s ability to be a parent or wife or even to leave her bed. Her new husband was working full-time, going to school, and parenting two young girls. He could not keep that up forever, and the two divorced the following year. They stayed friends and wanted their daughters to remain siblings. Everyone kept in touch. Jenn held sporadic jobs, but none ever lasted more than a month; she couldn’t afford to jeopardize her disability income. When the demands of raising Maddie got to be too much, she would either enlist her own mother or her extended family to take her for a few days. Maddie’s discarded corpse was found on the side of a road in February 2024. Jenn’s boyfriend of seven years is now in Florida’s Osceola County Jail awaiting trial for murder and sex abuse. As of this writing, the prosecution is seeking the death penalty. As for Jenn? She is now the most hated mother in U.S. history. Enter the Boyfriend Jenn never married Stephan Sterns (referred to hereafter as #3 because he doesn’t deserve a human name). But he was in and out of her household for roughly seven years and referred to himself as Maddie’s stepfather. Financially, he was a lost cause. He sponged off his parents, never held a job, and hand-painted expensive little figurines to help support his gaming habit. He had sleep apnea and kept an erratic schedule. His parents paid his rent, insurance and phone. Further, they often gave him spending money — even though he was 37 years old. One year, he met Jenn at Disney World in Orlando, where they both had short-term jobs. Maddie was about six years old when he met her. He and Jenn became a romantic item, and they moved in together very quickly. Although they couldn’t afford to eat out, the three of them went to parks and snuggled at home watching movies. Jenn trusted #3 completely and believed that he had her and Maddie’s best interests at heart. They broke up often, but #3 always came back to Jenn and Maddie. By February 2024, #3 had returned once again, Jenn had started yet another job, and she struggled with insomnia. Maddie had her thirteenth birthday party on a Sunday in late February, after which Jenn sent her and #3 to bed together so that she (Jenn) could get a good night’s sleep for her new job training. She never saw Maddie alive again, even though she claimed to. Revelations Neither Jenn nor #3 were accomplished liars, even though they both tried their best. Jenn told contradictory stories about when she had last seen Maddie. And her claim that she was so desperately in need of sleep fell apart when police discovered she was off work for the following Monday and Tuesday. The revelation that she, #3 and Maddie routinely slept together in the same bed, and that she would send “them” off to bed together when she herself needed a break from everybody, set off alarms with law enforcement. Ultimately, #3 surrendered his phone to police, claiming that he had accidentally hit its Reset button to restore the phone’s factory settings. Unfortunately for him, the phone failed to reset, and the police discovered more than 30,000 images of child sexual abuse material (CSAM), including 1,700 images of he and Maddie. This irrefutable evidence also established that #3 had begun sexually abusing Maddie beginning when she was 8. Jenn pretended to be flabbergasted but immediately called #3’s parents and told them their son needed a lawyer — quickly. Questions, denials, tears and charges against #3 followed. Public Fury Everyone in Florida wants Jenn to rot in jail, so much so that she is recognized in public and has gone into hiding. She has been granted derivative immunity for various interviews. To date, no charges have been filed against her, and this only adds to the public outcry. Jenn is not a woman who could talk herself out of so much as a speeding ticket. She had no explanation as to why her first reaction to the pictures of her daughter performing fellatio on #3 was to tell him to lawyer up. She could not understand how her behavior, post-death of her daughter, continued to protect #3. She sent Maddie to sleep in the same bed with #3 because of her own needs and cannot recognize why that was wrong. She told police that her worst fear had been the possibility of a “Woody Allen situation” between Maddie and #3 where she would be left out in the cold. She did not understand that she had let a beast live in her house and granted it unfettered access to her daughter. Jenn Soto: One-Off or One of Many? Jenn is a tremendous wreck of a parent, and it is very easy to dismiss her as a fool. Her story nonetheless raises many issues about a parent’s duty to protect their child versus said parent’s own need for companionship. Some broad statistics are instructive. It is well-established that blended families have a divorce rate of roughly 67%. Most people with children but no partner will soon pair up again, usually with someone who is also a parent. The odds are very much against the long-term success of these unions. Jenn herself experienced this with her own short-term marriage. It is equally well-established that the presence of a non-relative male in a child’s household poses a risk of abuse roughly 11% higher than a household with biological parents. Stepmothers may be the archetype of evil in fairy tales, but the true threat comes from non-relative males. Could the best practice be to stay uninvolved until the children are emancipated? This position requires sacrifice, delayed gratification and hardship. But after all, those realities are the collective heart of true parenthood. Most women who follow this route will ultimately acknowledge that not saddling a child with a stepfather was a necessary step to their child’s safety and development. This is an extreme position to take. But Maddie would be alive if her mother had stopped at her second try. Best Practices: Spot Grooming and Safety Strategies Since most people will never make that type of short-term sacrifice, and because many stepfathers provide genuine love and care to their non-biological children, a few pointers about grooming are important. Predators groom the parent first. It is no coincidence that #3 was interested in Jenn, who had very little to offer as a partner. She was needy and naively thought he had loved her. He pursued her because of her daughter. Predators groom in the open. Grooming starts in the presence of people the child trusts. A touch to a child’s shoulder is innocent, but a touch on a child’s bare leg in the presence of the mother may not be so innocent. The mother’s silent acceptance of the bare leg touch in her presence subliminally shows the child that it is acceptable. Once the child is “calibrated” to one touch, it is easier for the abuser to move forward. It happens gradually, then suddenly. Hemingway said this about how he went bankrupt, but his quip applies to sex abuse of children as well. Maddie did not sleep in the same bed alone with #3 on day one. Over time, it started with the three of them watching movies on the couch and then on the bed, then the three of them falling asleep together, and then Maddie and #3 sleeping in the same bed without Jenn. It took years for a full-blown sex act to take place. Jenn did not trust #3 at all to start with, but then trusted him all at once. Safety strategies. Most relationships reach a point where the “big” conversations take place. These usually include financial status, past relationships and long-term plans. Sadly, in many relationships, more time gets devoted to wedding planning than to the everyday nitty-gritty of living together. Mothers should develop a specific safety script to screen potential abusers before granting a new partner access to their children. It should include questions such as whether the prospective partner has ever had sexual thoughts about children; whether they themselves were ever abused; and what they think should happen to child sex abusers. Discussions should include basic boundaries, such as who should sleep where; whether bathroom doors are ever left open when in use; the limits of horseplay and wrestling; and whether a child can refuse physical affection such as a hug or kiss. An unwillingness to take part in such a frank discussion is a harbinger of trouble. Every household has certain house rules, and these rules should include mutual understandings about how adults interact with children. Non-relative males should know the house rules on physical punishments, teasing and when to stop, and on commenting on a child’s body. Undoubtedly, some will characterize this advice as liberal meddling into the private lives of citizens. Clear expectations on behavior are the backbone of effective safety strategies to avoid child abuse. Summary Jenn wanted a relationship so badly that she would accept it on any man’s terms. Some say that she simply pimped out her daughter to #3. There is speculation that she and #3 were part of a criminal enterprise that sold child porn for profit. Others reported that she and Maddie were very close and loved each other dearly, but that Jenn was with #3 for so long that she became blind to the obvious. Some say her mental illness is to blame. None of these theories change the fact that Maddie died at 13 by the hands of Jenn’s #3. Here are the hard lessons that parents should consider: 1. The best practice for a child’s well-being may be to avoid a stepparent situation altogether. The failure rate for blended families is so high that an objective conclusion is that they’re simply not worth the risk. Few parents will have a step-partner who ends up with a Death Row case. Many more will not consider the implications of allowing a stranger full access to their child. The risk that these parents take is not their own, but their child’s. 2. The next best practice is for the biological parent to stay ever vigilant about the relationship between their child and the stepparent. Trust slowly and never completely. Monitor the stepparent’s increasing access that seems to happen naturally and stop it. Make a clean break. Finally Everyone familiar with Maddie Soto is haunted by her death. Jenn Soto’s behavior was at the very least reckless, but there are many parents who take unnecessary risks with their children by not understanding the potential danger posed by non-relative parents. The lack of a thoughtful safety strategy

What To Tell Your Children in Divorce

By Anne Harvey • April 20, 2026

What to Tell Your Children When You Are Divorcing Telling your children about a divorce is one of the hardest conversations a parent can face. How you approach it can shape how your children process the change, cope emotionally, and adjust to a new family dynamic. The key is to be honest, age-appropriate, and reassuring, while keeping the focus on their emotional well-being and stability. --- Start With a United and Calm Message If possible, both parents should have this conversation together. Presenting a united front helps children feel more secure and reduces confusion. Choose a quiet time without distractions, and avoid discussing blame or conflict. Keep the message simple: the adults have decided to separate, but both parents will continue to love and support the children. Reassure them that the divorce is not their fault. Many children, especially younger ones, may believe they caused the separation. Address this directly and clearly. --- What to Tell Children Ages 5–12 Children in this age group tend to think in concrete terms and may struggle to fully understand what divorce means. They are often most concerned about how their daily lives will change. Keep It Simple and Reassuring Explain the situation in clear, straightforward language. For example, you might say that mom and dad will be living in different homes, but both will still be part of their lives. Avoid giving too many details or discussing adult issues such as finances or infidelity. Emphasize Stability Children aged 5–12 need reassurance about routines. Let them know where they will live, where they will go to school, and when they will see each parent. Predictability helps reduce anxiety. Encourage Questions Give them space to ask questions and express their feelings. They may not react immediately, so be prepared for ongoing conversations. Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, confused, or even angry. Reassure Them of Love Repeat often that both parents love them and that this will never change. Consistency in this message is crucial for their emotional security. --- What to Tell Children Ages 13–18 Teenagers are more capable of understanding complex relationships, but they may also experience stronger emotional reactions, including anger, resentment, or withdrawal. Be Honest, But Set Boundaries Teens can handle more honesty, but it’s still important to avoid oversharing or speaking negatively about the other parent. Provide a general explanation without placing blame or involving them in adult conflicts. Acknowledge Their Emotions Teenagers may feel a loss of control or worry about how the divorce will affect their future. Validate their feelings and let them know their reactions are normal. Avoid dismissing their concerns or expecting them to “be strong.” Respect Their Independence Older children may want more say in living arrangements or schedules. While final decisions remain with the parents, involving them in discussions can help them feel respected and heard. Maintain Open Communication Keep the lines of communication open. Teens may not always want to talk right away, but knowing they can come to you without judgment is essential. Be patient and available when they are ready. --- Avoid Putting Children in the Middle Regardless of age, children should never feel caught between parents. Avoid asking them to take sides, deliver messages, or act as emotional support. Protecting them from conflict is one of the most important things you can do during a divorce. --- Focus on Long-Term Emotional Health Divorce is a major life transition, but children can adjust and thrive with the right support. Consistency, reassurance, and open communication go a long way in helping them feel secure. By tailoring your approach to your child’s age and emotional needs, you can help them navigate this change with confidence and resilience, while reinforcing that they are loved and supported every step of the way.

What To Do If YourEx Does Not Pay Child Support

By Anne Harvey • April 20, 2026

What to Do If Your Ex Is Not Paying Child Support When a former partner fails to pay child support, it can create serious financial stress and uncertainty—especially when those payments are meant to cover essential expenses for your child. Fortunately, there are legal steps you can take to enforce support obligations and protect your child’s well-being. Understanding your options is the first step toward resolving the issue effectively. --- Understand Your Child Support Order The first thing to do is review your child support agreement or court order. This document outlines the amount to be paid, how often payments are due, and any specific conditions attached. If child support was arranged informally without a court order, enforcement becomes more difficult. In that case, you may need to formalize the agreement through the court system to ensure it is legally binding and enforceable. --- Communicate and Document Everything Before escalating the situation legally, consider reaching out to your ex to understand why payments have stopped. Sometimes missed payments are due to temporary financial hardship, job loss, or miscommunication. While this does not excuse non-payment, resolving the issue amicably can save time and legal costs. Keep detailed records of all missed payments, including dates, amounts owed, and any communication between you and your ex. This documentation can be critical if legal enforcement becomes necessary. --- Seek Legal Assistance If enforcement efforts are unsuccessful or your situation is complex, consulting a family lawyer or licensed paralegal can help. A legal professional can guide you through your options, represent you in court if needed, and help you pursue remedies such as contempt of court or a motion to enforce the order. Legal advice is especially important if your ex is self-employed, hiding income, or living outside the province, as these situations can complicate enforcement. --- Consider Going Back to Court If there is no existing court order, or if the current order no longer reflects your ex’s financial situation, you may need to return to court. A judge can issue a new child support order, update the amount based on current income, or enforce unpaid arrears. In some cases, the court may impose penalties for ongoing non-payment, including fines or even jail time in extreme situations. While this is typically a last resort, it demonstrates the seriousness of failing to meet child support obligations. --- Focus on Your Child’s Best Interests While dealing with unpaid child support can be frustrating and emotional, it’s important to remain focused on your child’s needs. Taking prompt and appropriate action not only helps secure financial support but also reinforces accountability. If your ex is not paying child support, you are not without options. By understanding your rights and using available enforcement tools, you can take control of the situation and work toward a fair resolution that supports your child’s future.

Gain The Edge on Appeal

By Anne Harvey • April 15, 2026

Gain the Edge on Appeal